I was taught by my mother that a good man was the only road to happiness, that and learning how to type just in case things didn't work out. She also told me to be careful because they could hurt me. That message must have been meant to protect me, but in some ways it cursed me too. I thought love could heal me and give me all the answers but instead, I found only distraction and confusion. I see now that I have been angry at love for a long while. I think that this desire for love just leads me away from me. I am packing up all my fantasies and storybooks and I'm getting ready to throw them away.
He rode in with his charms and touch and sweet words and he used them as currency to trade for the warm expanse and breadth and depth of my dignity and identity. The deed was signed, the ownership transferred. Then one morning like a whisper I realized that what I had was gone and there was no getting it back. A quiet unspoken cold began to chill each passing day, this cold began to freeze everything around me, sneering, snarling, biting, smiling cold. I became dizzy thinking of all I sacrificed in the name of “feeling something” and then sadness came to sit by my side for a very long grey visit.
Maybe I couldn’t know what love is because I wasn’t open to it? Is that it? It seems like I have been afraid forever. I have been fighting with a stubborn old demon that has hidden the truth that maybe the Love that I have needed all along has been inside me.
There never was a prince or a savior coming to take me to my perfect life. There never was a man that could take all my pain and confusion and turn it into love and light. Maybe this has all been an excuse to keep me from being responsible to the person I am, an excuse to not have to face the world, to not feel rejection, fearful of being alone, fearful of just being. I can sense a movement of what I believed was the answer, this handsome answer that so quietly and deceitfully became my comfortable lie.
“I hate love; it’s all just painful bullshit!” I scream to no one.
I think I invested in a reflection of my own hopes and dreams and so I wait and wonder - what next? Now instead of each day bringing promise and light, it brings suspicion and with it confusion and turmoil.
Did I make a bargain that traded my blessings for a sense of security?
She has become unable to reconcile who she is and who she is becoming with the one she had invested her hopes and dreams in. The bond is withering and leaving behind a disquieting creature called suspicion. Suspicion is now causing her to question and through that questioning, she is becoming, becoming aware of herself and her worth. She is for the first time realizing a glint of true independence and this sparkle is shedding light on her own deceptions and is revealing a new world that is meant for the brave.
So no, He does not make her feel suspicious but instead, she is allowing herself to be suspicious, she will allow it without guilt so she can begin to examine a world that is new. For her this meeting with Suspicion is revealing a new healthy loss of faith in the unreal. This creature has taken her by the hand to show her a new world that she will eventually rule - as the sovereign.