I was taught by my mother that a good man was the only road to happiness, that and learning how to type just in case things didn't work out. She also told me to be careful because they could hurt me. That message must have been meant to protect me, but in some ways it cursed me too. I thought love could heal me and give me all the answers but instead, I found only distraction and confusion. I see now that I have been angry at love for a long while. I think that this desire for love just leads me away from me. I am packing up all my fantasies and storybooks and I'm getting ready to throw them away.

He rode in with his charms and touch and sweet words and he used them as currency to trade for the warm expanse and breadth and depth of my dignity and identity. The deed was signed, the ownership transferred. Then one morning like a whisper I realized that what I had was gone and there was no getting it back. A quiet unspoken cold began to chill each passing day, this cold began to freeze everything around me, sneering, snarling, biting, smiling cold. I became dizzy thinking of all I sacrificed in the name of “feeling something” and then sadness came to sit by my side for a very long grey visit. 

Maybe I couldn’t know what love is because I wasn’t open to it? Is that it? It seems like I have been afraid forever. I have been fighting with a stubborn old demon that has hidden the truth that maybe the Love that I have needed all along has been inside me. 

There never was a prince or a savior coming to take me to my perfect life. There never was a man that could take all my pain and confusion and turn it into love and light. Maybe this has all been an excuse to keep me from being responsible to the person I am, an excuse to not have to face the world, to not feel rejection, fearful of being alone, fearful of just being. I can sense a movement of what I believed was the answer, this handsome answer that so quietly and deceitfully became my comfortable lie.

“I hate love; it’s all just painful bullshit!” I scream to no one.

I think I invested in a reflection of my own hopes and dreams and so I wait and wonder - what next? Now instead of each day bringing promise and light, it brings suspicion and with it confusion and turmoil.
Did I make a bargain that traded my blessings for a sense of security? 


She has become unable to reconcile who she is and who she is becoming with the one she had invested her hopes and dreams in. The bond is withering and leaving behind a disquieting creature called suspicion. Suspicion is now causing her to question and through that questioning, she is becoming, becoming aware of herself and her worth. She is for the first time realizing a glint of true independence and this sparkle is shedding light on her own deceptions and is revealing a new world that is meant for the brave.

 So no, He does not make her feel suspicious but instead, she is allowing herself to be suspicious, she will allow it without guilt so she can begin to examine a world that is new. For her this meeting with Suspicion is revealing a new healthy loss of faith in the unreal. This creature has taken her by the hand to show her a new world that she will eventually rule - as the sovereign.

Elaine Lakeman
Lloyd English
Kaitie Sly
Fender Electric Bass
Buff Allen
Brett Ziegler
Organ and Pads
Danielle Lebeau-Petersen
Background vocals
Zak Cohen
Drum & bass tracking Woodshop Studios, Duncan,BC
Myles English
Mixing, Mastering & tracking at
Das Hous Studio,
Salt Spring Island, BC

Dylan Davies
Scratch sessions tracking
Elaine was born in Edmonton, Alberta and began performing and singing as a child. Her endless energy and need for a stage was often answered by her mother locking her in her room which didn’t deter Lainey from attending Grant MacEwan College in the theatre arts and dance program.

This new and larger venue not only gave her the opportunity to perform on stage and dance without knocking things over but it also likely contributed to saving her parent's marriage.

After graduating from Grant MacEwan, Elaine moved to Montreal where she became a member of the Actors Studio. This connection landed her several parts in American films as well as some local professional theatre productions. In turn, this led to a European tour with a theatre group that entertained troops overseas. Upon her return to Quebec, Elaine continued to act and perform in local theatre and film. Exhaustion and family eventually pulled her back home to Edmonton where she continued to do commercial work and soon landed a lead actress part in the film Sentimental Reasons. The smell of ocean air eventually called her to the British Columbia coast where she continued to work as an actress and got a supporting role in an American/Canadian film called Honeymoon while at the same time continuing to do commercials.

Over the years Elaine developed a special relationship to the Dominican Republic where she has become a Dominicanado. This adoption has led her to perform on many occasions with local professional musicians in a number of diverse local venues and events including television. Locally Elaine has rededicated herself to singing, writing and performing as a chanteuse in local venues. Her recently released album When It Rains, recorded in Victoria, has received an enthusiastic response locally and internationally.

Currently, her second and this time all original album has been recorded by some of the most respected musicians on the west coast and is due for release in 2019. (Note: Songs being released as singles over the next few months, with first release January 7, 2019). Elaine is now developing and rehearsing a show for this new album which will be presented live in the Fall of 2019.

Copyright ©2019 Elaine Lakeman, All rights reserved.

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elaine lakeman · North Saanich · North Saanich, BC V8L 5J9 · Canada

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